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Fraternal Friday: When it comes to probates, know when to fold ’em.

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80_512483406995_4569_nToday, the AKAs are coming out at Howard, as are the Ques, and probably a bunch of other folks.  I will be 35 this year — gone are my days of showing up on Howard’s campus just to see probate shows.  It’s a little unseemly to show up for a show to see some guys and girls you don’t know, even if one is an enthusiast of such things.

However, I do anticipate the many Instagram photos and YouTube videos which are sure to fill my newsfeeds in a few hours.  Special shout out to Calilivin09, a former Howard student who did a really good job at documenting all the probate shows/neophyte shows for their entire time there.  We underestimate the importance of documentation of these events, and thanks to the amateur documentarians, we can look, remember, compare, and smile.

The bad thing about YouTube is that for all the great neo shows that we’ve seen, we’ve also seen some pretty bad ones, haven’t we?  The point of my post is not to clown the worst probate shows ever, but to give all of you in Greekdom just a few tips that can prevent you from having a bad coming out show.

Believe it or not, you don’t have to have a probate show.  (Yes, I know they are called New Member Presentations now, but I’m still calling it a Probate.)

Yes, yes, I know on your campus everybody probates.  And I’m sure you’re thinking if your chapter doesn’t probate, you will be seen as wack, cat, skaters, etc.

Who cares?  The fact is your boys or your girls just might not be ready to present a perfect show in enough time.  You might not have enough talented step masters in your chapter to teach them.  Or maybe, just maybe, your organization has too many restrictive rules on probates to make it worthwhile.

You don’t have to explain to the public why you’re not having a probate.  At the end of the day, never put out less than high quality when it comes to presenting your new members.  If you can’t have an A+ probate, have an A+ alternative.

Ever been to a Cotillion?  No, I’m not saying have a cotillion instead of a probate.  But take the basic idea of introducing new members one by one in a formal way to the community and apply it to an event which would work on your campus.

Have a reception or a tea.  Get a multipurpose room on campus, have some nice food, dress up, and introduce your new people.  I bet your administrators and grad chapter would approve.

Looking for something less formal?  Have a crossing party and introduce the new members by letting them stroll into the party.  All you have to do is teach them one stroll.

Wanting to introduce your new members to the campus is valid, and your new members will certainly want to be introduced.  But please ma’am, and please, sir, know your limitations.  Where it’s time or talent or even challenges of finding flattering identical attire, know that a terrible probate will spell a terrible year.

A few years ago, a sorority I’m acquainted with had so many restrictions on probates that all they could really do was have an all-chapter step show.  The entire chapter dressed alike, marched out, stepped, introduced themselves one by one, stepped some more, and strolled out.  It was not only a debut for the new members, but a farewell for the seniors.

If restrictions are a problem, there are alternatives.

This is not a probate:

Nor is this a probate:

And this is not a probate:

Happy probate season, everyone!

Tattuesday: Model

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On Tuesdays we share photos of people with tattoos.  If you live in the DC area, I will gladly shoot you.

This is a model I photographed a few years ago.  Enjoy.

A Model

Raunchy, Ratchet, and the coming of Fly Young Red

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fyr

 

This handsome fellow is Fly Young Red, an emerging rapper out of Houston, Texas, who has been making waves with his single and video for “Throw That Boy Pussy.”

Over the past week, I’ve been asked for my opinions the song and video.  Usually, I like to be the first to see something so that I don’t let others’ opinions taint my own.  Unfortunately, before I even got to see the video, I was told it was vulgar, not representative of the black gay experience, a disgrace, etc.  I’ve also read that it was sexist, misogynist, and all types of things the social justice elite want me to hate.

Luckily, I love vulgar, nasty, raunchy, ratchet music and videos.  I even have a playlist.

Truth be told, the twerkin’ and ass poppin’ in Fly Young Red’s video doesn’t do much for me.  The artist himself, however, has a lot of charisma about him, and to that I am attracted.

And yes, the song itself is pretty basic – not quite revolutionary as some have tried to make it.  But it has a decent beat and witty lyrics which speak to black gay men in a way that hasn’t been done this well in a while.

Underneath all the controversy is actually a really talented openly gay black rapper who has a shot at long-term success.  Whether you agree with his content or not is immaterial.  He is speaking to and for a generation and class that you probably don’t come from, anyway.

Check out an older song of his, “Get Money.”  It’s a far better example of his lyrical skills.  I really do hope he sticks around for a while.

And last thing… I really am not here to intellectualize ratchet music.  It’s either your cup of tea or it isn’t.  If you’re under 18, or are responsible for children under 18, just make sure you’re having conversations about how what you listen to doesn’t have to be how you act.

Rashid Darden Reviews: Leave It on the Floor

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Leave it On the Floor

I am a late adopter to Netflix and I am not a big movie-goer, so with the exception of my DVD and Blu-Ray purchases (thanks to my all-knowing Amazon recommendations), I don’t always catch a movie’s hype on the first wave.  In the case of independent films with LGBT themes and black characters, you almost have to know somebody involved in the production to be able to support it in a timely manner. [Read more…] about Rashid Darden Reviews: Leave It on the Floor

Paranormal Wednesday with Shonda Brock

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Rashid Darden has been interviewed for the Paranormal Wednesday feature on Shonda Brock’s website.

“I’ve always loved stories of the supernatural, but I never saw my own culture represented in the stories.  There may be a few token black characters, but the stories themselves always originated with European mythologies of some sort.  I wanted to write a story which begins with a simple, but loaded question:  What if everything we knew about horror originated in Africa?”

Read more at ShondaBrock.com.

The Chapter-publican Manifesto: Membership Selection, Legacy Clauses, and the Whole Shebang

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So, about these chicks and their mothers who are suing Howard University and Alpha Kappa Alpha because they were denied membership into Alpha Chapter.

Actually, I don’t want to talk about them at all.  They suck.

Let us instead talk about being a Chapter-publican.  Among my fraternity, I tell brothers that I am an Alphapublican.  That means I believe that the most important unit in the fraternity is the chapter.  It is the chapter who recruits, retains, and reclaims the membership.  It is the chapter which serves the community.  People join chapters.   Based on the national organization’s legacy, of course, but they still join chapters.  In an area like Washington, DC, or any other large metropolitan area, there are often multiple chapters of the same organization, each with their own personality and culture.

Leadership of the organizations should support the work of the chapters.  People who aspire to be leaders should enjoy the chapter experience – not think about the glory and prestige of being a national, regional, cluster, state, or district officer.

The national headquarters of the organizations should focus on chapter services – giving the chapters what they need in a timely manner to fulfill their obligations of service to the communities.

The chapter is the most important unit.  Not the region.  Not the cluster.  The chapter.  Support the chapters.

As such, I believe that the chapter ought to have the final say in matters of membership selection.  Always.  Even when they are morally or ethically questionable.

First and foremost, every chapter vote ought to be final.  When a chapter comes together to vote on who they want, the organization should trust that they have carefully considered who they want, who qualifies, who will be the best fit, etc.  If you as an organization or an organization leader can’t trust that you have given the chapters the proper tools to make the right selection, then you have already failed them.  Spend your time on training the chapters on how to identify the right candidates.

No one outside of the chapter or higher than the chapter should have the right to change the chapter’s vote in any way.  You know what that means?  No add-ons.  If the chapter has not voted affirmatively on you, then this is the end of the road.  There should be no way at all to appeal a decision of the chapter on matters of membership.  No Region Directors adding people on after the vote.  No parents calling headquarters.  No.  No, no, no.  Bad.

And you know what?  No take-offs.  It wasn’t until very recently that I learned that some organizations have the power to actually remove a man or woman that the chapter has voted on for specious reasons.  Again, if you are empowering the chapter to make the decision to select a line, how is it that one has the time to even check up behind that chapter to “just make sure” they have done everything properly?  Sure, a chapter here and there might assist an applicant in fraudulently gaining entry, such as knowledge that the candidate doesn’t reside in the service area of the chapter, or a letter of recommendation which suggests a deeper knowledge of the candidate than is accurate, but you know what?  Who cares?  The chapter voted yes.  The chapter wants the candidate.

Which leads me to the problem of so-called legacy clauses.  And no, this is not just an Alpha Kappa Alpha problem.  Theirs is just the one you know about.

I am against any policy which bypasses the chapter vote.  I do understand the desire to have a policy which honors the bond between mother and daughter, father and son, or between siblings.  I get it.  I really do.  But this bond should not be at the expense of the sovereignty of the chapter.  

If your daughter is the bee’s knees, then let her shine on her own.  If your son is the top banana, then the chapter will know it.  But you, as their parent, will be biased.  You just will be.  By the time they submit an application, you will have seen their growth over two decades.  You will see how far they have come.  The chapter they are pursuing will only have known then for two or three semesters.  Let them fall in love with your child as you did.

And acknowledge that while we do join organizations, we join them through chapters.  The person must fit in the chapter.  Let your child find out if they fit.  Let the chapter make that determination.  Don’t rob your child of the opportunity to forge their own path.

As Oprah quoted someone else on her show, there is a time for the parent to transition from manager to consultant.  The women involved in this lawsuit never made that transition.  If you are a Greek parent, do your children and your organization a favor:  stay out of the membership process until it’s time for you to pin them or come to their neophyte show.  It’s the best gift you could give them.

And ponder what I mean by becoming a Chapterpublican yourself.  Consider the rights of your chapter, what’s best for your chapter, how your chapter can best serve the community.  Don’t undermine your chapter – or anyone else’s – by robbing them of the right, privilege, and responsibility of selecting new members.

Where did Lazarus come from?

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1) Where did you get the idea for the series of Lazarus, Covenant, & Epiphany?

2) Did it all come to you in one big idea? Or a little bit at a time, and that’s how it became 3 books.  — Rico W.

 

The story of the Lazarus Trilogy began with a question:  What would happen if the star basketball player got into a relationship with the most popular young man on campus?

That idea became a play that I wrote in 2000 called Behind Closed Doors, and later named Discretion.  It was the story of a slightly different (yet familiar) Adrian Collins who was living with a basketball player named Isaiah, while dealing with mild Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from having been hazed and literally beaten off line from Beta Chi Phi.  (Although he was still initiated into the fraternity, he was viewed as an outcast for being gay.)

In the midst of this story, he falls in love with Isaiah and deals with his ex-boyfriend Carlos, who he lost while pledging.

When the play was finished, I tried to stage a reading, but only my friends Maya (RIP) and Amerie showed up to help out.  On top of that, my mentor at the time, Dennis Williams, said the play was good, but he wanted to know more about Carlos the ex-boyfriend and about the pledging process.

So I made the decision in 2000 to rework this story as a novel, beginning with the fraternity story and saving the love story for a subsequent novel if I still felt like it.  I also decided to postpone writing it until after I finished undergrad.  Incidentally, it was also during this time that my “black vampire” idea was born.

In fall 2001, I began writing the novel called Lazarus.  President’s Day Weekend 2002, it was complete.  I published it in 2005.

Of course, Carlos became Savion and Isaiah only made cameo appearances in Lazarus, so Covenant still had to be written.  It was completed in 2007 and published in 2011.  That novel was quick and easy to write because I already knew how it would turn out.

While writing Covenant, I had ideas for two more novels.  In the end, there were to be four novels, more or less mirroring the four years of college.  If you have read Epiphany, imagine the first two-thirds being novel #3, and the last third being novel #4, plus a story line about Adrian becoming the Dean of the line during his senior year.  But I decided that I was done writing about the fraternity experience.  While interesting to me, I don’t think most people would care about Sigma Chapter anymore after one novel about Adrian’s experience on Uprising and another about his experiences bringing in the Phantoms.

Oh hell, while we’re here, I might as well tell you about what was going to happen on the next line.  So Calen was going to get elected Dean of Pledges, then he was going to have a terrible car accident and have to take a semester off school to recover.  The chapter was going to recruit six guys:

Morris Jordan from Potomac was going to be the Ace.  As you know, he had a previous history with Adrian.  As the Dean, Adrian felt it might not be appropriate for Morris to make the line, given their past, but the chapter liked him so Adrian was outvoted.  After he gets a little….shall we say “sassy” with Adrian, he is given the line name “Cruel Intentions.”

Kyle Sykes, a business student from Rock Creek, was the deuce.  All I know about him is that his personal motto was “greed is good” which landed him the line name “Monopoly.”

Justin Wilson and Jason Wilson were twins attending Potomac.  My notes on them indicate that they were always nervous  so the chapter named them “Paralysis” and “Aphasia.”

The number five was Leon Rogers, a theology student from Rock Creek who is named “Holy Terror” because he turns out to be a homophobe that can’t seem to respect his Dean.

Finally, the number six is Shane O’Neil from Potomac.  Everyone seems to think he a guitar-playing, stoner white boy, but he is actually biracial and struggling to find himself through the fraternity.  Because he is so unique, and some would say strange, he is given the line name “Xenogenesis,” which is not only the prior name of Octavia Butler’s Lilith’s Brood series, but it literally means “the supposed generation of offspring completely and permanently different from the parent.”

Needless to say, a lot was going on with this line, which Adrian named “Crucial Conflicts.”  But in the end, I decided to make Mohammed their Dean to allow Adrian the chance to focus on his national position that he gained at the end of Epiphany and to provide a way for Mohammed to gain the respect of the chapter.  And I didn’t think those things needed to happen “on-page” for them to be believable.

So that’s how Epiphany was written the way it was, with that “extra third” at the end which seemed like a separate story altogether.  At the end, three college novels was enough, and if I was going to continue to write about these beloved characters, they’d have to be young adults removed from the college campus.

How do you just start a story?

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“I am an aspiring novelist. Right now, I keep a journal of my day to day thoughts and inspirational quotes. I’ve always said that I wanted to write novels one day, but I don’t know where you begin. How do you just start a story?” –Rico

I think keeping a journal is an excellent start.  Keeping a journal gives you practice for descriptive narrative.  It helps you refine your abilities to observe and recall events.  Be sure to push yourself further and practice recalling everything that happened to you in a day:  where you went, what you wore, how you felt, what you ate, what it tasted like, how places smell, what things reminded you of other things.  Pick one day out of the week to make your ultra-descriptive journal entry so that you don’t overwhelm yourself every day that you write.

But obviously, keeping a journal alone won’t result in a novel.  Novels will have dialogue, and I will get to dialogue writing in a future entry.  What I will focus on today is how to just start writing.

In your daily adventures, observe people and situations that you find interesting.  Then ask a “what if” question based on your writing interests.  For my upcoming novel Birth of a Dark Nation, I merely asked myself “What if vampires came from Africa rather than Europe?”  From that single question came many others:

  • How did African vampires get to America?
  • Are there white vampires?
  • If so, how did they come to be?
  • What makes my vampires different from traditional vampires, aside from race?

And so on and so forth.  Now, you might not be writing in a paranormal genre, in which case the questions might be simpler.  In the case of Covenant, the central question was “What would happen if the star basketball player was dating a fraternity man?”  And from those questions arose more, some from me, some from people who read the rough draft:

  • What if one of them was already in a relationship?
  • Who is the girl?
  • What if there’s an ex?
  • Who is he?
  • Does the public know?
  • What are their parents like?

Your questions should start you down a path of either/or scenarios, sort of like the “Find your own adventure” books from back in the day.  You might already know how you want the novel to turn out, and that’s fine.  The toughest part may be getting to the end.

Take your time and make an outline of the story.  Be patient with yourself.  Give yourself time to figure out the beginning, middle, and end.  but never forget your central question.  Answer it in your novel, or at least write the kind of novel in which everyone who reads it walks away pondering the same question:  “What if…?”

Delta Sigma Theta Centennial – From the Outside Looking In

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My fraternity enjoyed its Centennial Celebration in 2006.  While the celebration had some bumps in its execution, it was by and large a decent event.  We got some good swag (medallion, pin, leather convention bag), some great literature (Centennial Book of Essays and Letters), a huge photo op in a stadium, a concert…. you know, all the stuff that makes for a nice five-day long celebration.

Since that time, I’ve eagerly awaited the Centennials of the remaining black Greek letter organizations of the so-called “Divine Nine.”  None have disappointed me yet.  In 2008, the AKAs set world records with the largest sit-down dinner ever.  I attended a Howard University sponsored-event during the AKA Centennial in which they raised an AKA flag over the campus.  And of course there were fireworks, wax statues, and over 20,000 women all dressed in white.

Then came the Kappas and Ques in 2011.  While I did not travel to Indianapolis to see the Kappas, I saw many photos of the great time they had with their pilgrimage to Indiana University and the world’s largest cake.  And as for the Ques, well of course I was in the mix.  I went down to their host hotel just to stand in the middle of it all and I wasn’t disappointed.  They brotherhood was high, their souvenir journals were hard cover, and their spouses were chatty.

So far, I think each Centennial has reflected the personalities of the organizations.  Delta Sigma Theta was no different.  They did it big for 2013 and this is only the beginning.  Delta Days in the Nation’s Capital and Women’s Suffrage March Re-Enactment are coming up in March, and the 51st National Convention is coming in July.

Below, you will find a collection of photos and videos I was able to collect from the weekend of official and unofficial events as documented through social media.  Even if you weren’t in the thick of things, you certainly couldn’t escape Delta Sigma Theta Founders Day Weekend 2013 or even the weeks leading up to it.

First, the Deltas had a float in the 2013 Rose Parade in Pasadena, California.  KTLA’s Gayle Anderson had a lively interview with the volunteers who helped make the float possible.

And here is HGTV’s coverage of the Delta float:

And here is the NBC coverage. I got a kick out of “Sami Brady” and Al Roker announcing the float:


Later that evening, Delta had a star-studded Hollywood Gala.  The Federal City Alumnae Chapter has an album of those pictures on their facebook page, but I couldn’t resist sharing this photo of my fraternity brother Tim Reid and his Delta wife Daphne Maxwell-Reid.

Photo by Federal City Alumnae Chapter
Photo by Federal City Alumnae Chapter

 

A few days later, Deltas descended on New York City to participate in the various morning shows.  I don’t normally even turn on the television that early, but I was glad I did.   Here’s Al Roker again.  (He’s an honorary Sigma, by the way.)

The next day was the first official day of the weekend celebration. It was Howard University Day, and the Deltas not only convened on the campus to celebrate, but to give and to serve. The “Deltas for Howard” group donated a total of $50,000 for the university and 22 distinct service projects were conducted all over the city. The concept of a new stained glass window in Rankin Chapel was revealed to the members, and Centennial Chair Gwendolyn Boyd said it would be the first stained glass window in the chapel to depict faces of African American women. Howard University Day concluded with the singing of the Sweetheart Song around the Fortitude Statue in “The Valley.”

Local media was on top of things, as Delta Allison Seymour interviewed Gwendolyn Boyd for Fox 5.

Other events took place in DC as chapters had mini-reunions and the national organization sponsored a sisterhood luncheon and an awards dinner.  But, as they used to say, “The nighttime is for sisterhood.”  The Valley was once again ablaze as thousands of Deltas descended upon Fortitude to ring in the new Delta year.


Needless to say, it was bananas out there.

The next day, the official activities included a marathon Ecumenical Service and a Founders Day Dinner which included pre-recorded greetings from Barack Obama as well as surprise musical guest Eric Benet.

Elsewhere in the news:

On Sunday morning, Delta Melissa Harris-Perry closed her show with a tribute to the sorority, in which she revealed she had been chapter president.

The Washington Post reported on the Centennial.

And the Detroit Free Press gave a shout out to Alpha Chapter President Erin Keith.

If you want to see the Centennial Founders Day activities from the point of view of the members that lived it, just type in #dst100 on Twitter, Tumblr, or Instagram.  It seems as though social media is advancing exponentially with each passing Divine Nine Centennial, and I’m grateful for it.

And now I leave you with Deltas on the Metro:

Number One in African American Gay Romance. And Two. And Five.

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Great news, readers!

As 2012 comes to a close, I am really humbled that so many of you voted for me to appear on the GoodReads African American Gay Romance list!  Epiphany has been voted number one, Covenant has been voted number two, and Lazarus has been voted number five!

12-31-12-Listopia

Listopia uses a formula that somehow multiplies number of votes with rankings and reviews….hell, I don’t know how it works, but I am glad that it puts the power in the hands of the readers!  Self-published authors rarely get that courtesy.

By the end of the day, this list could change and another worthy author could be on top.  But I’m just glad that right now, at this moment in time, my readers thought enough of my work – and of the epic love story of Adrian Collins and Isaiah Aiken – to vote for it and share it with the world.  Thank you for giving my books this shine.  Adrian and Isaiah appreciate it!

To vote for your favorite black gay romance novels, click here!

Lazarus: Fantasy Casting

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EVERY novelist…I mean, evvvvvery novelist does one of two things when writing their novels:

  1. Create a playlist which is the soundtrack to the novel.
  2. Imagine which actors would play their characters in the inevitable movie (or television) version.

I am no exception.  So let’s hop to it.

Tyler James Williams as Adrian.  When I finished the first draft of Lazarus, Tyler was ten years old.  When it was released, he was 13 and had the lead role in Everybody Hates Chris.  I’ve selected Tyler because I’ve always imagined Adrian to be a slim, brown-skinned dude who was handsome, but not necessarily confident.  Tyler has a lot of great, strong moments as an actor and I think he could pull off the nuances of Adrian’s character.

Honorable mention: Degrassi’s Jahmil French, who would also do very well as Peter, the Ace of the line.

The search for the perfect Nina is a lot harder.  I like a lot of young, black actresses for this role, but one that comes to mind also comes from the Degrassi family:

Shanice Banton as Nina.  The “Gal Friday” of the novel, Nina is sassy, sexy, and confident – the antithesis of the “awkward black girl” movement that seems to be afoot right now.  Shanice Banton (with a kinky hairstyle for the role) would bring everything to Nina.  If you haven’t caught her as the bitchy girl with a conscience on Degrassi, please do so!  I’m looking forward to seeing a lot from her in the future.

How about Evan Ross as Savion?  Granted, I am basing this casting decision purely on looks.  If Evan can pull of “scruffy artist” then I think we might have a winner.

Royce White as Isaiah?  I’m going to have to meditate on this one for a while, because not only should the “actor” look like how he’s described in the book, he’d also have to match Adrian Collins.  I’m not sure Royce and Tyler would look right… but then again, it’s possible that Adrian and Isaiah don’t look right together, either.

Viola Davis as Mrs. Collins and *spoiler alert*

Kristoff St. John as Mr. Collins.

Now, one of the quirks about the novels is that Adrian is supposed to be the spitting image of Mr. Collins.  I could get over that if Kristoff was the daddy for this movie/show.  I could so get into this family dynamic: the cold, aloof, stern mother raising the college kid by herself while the relatively wealthy businessman pops in and out of Adrian’s life.  I want the reader to feel for both parents in different ways and I think each actor could pull it off.  You want to hate Mrs. Collins because she’s so emotionally distant from Adrian, but you love her because you see and feel her vulnerability and her anger.  And Mr. Collins?  I want an actor that can make you forget that he’s left his son for the past ten years.  I want you to see what Mrs. Collins saw in him and why Adrian is able to ultimately forgive him.  I’ve seen Kristoff handle some meaty material on The Young and The Restless, and I think he can pull all these elements together.

There are a ton of other, smaller roles in all three novels that I’d love to see properly cast, like Aubrey Graham as Mohammed.  But those will be for another day.  Hope you had fun fantasy casting with me!

Happy Homecoming, Coolidge Colts!

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One of the great joys of my life has been the pride I feel as an alumnus of Calvin Coolidge High School in Washington, DC. I am a legacy Colt – my mom graduated from Coolidge in 1967 and my uncle graduated in 1983. I graduated in 1997. If I ever have or adopt kids, of course I’d like for them to attend as well.

Coolidge means a lot to me. Certainly it’s not a consistent athletic powerhouse like other schools in DC have been known, nor is it a Banneker or School Without Walls, with their reputations for academic excellence.

It’s just a regular neighborhood high school in a quiet, northern section of DC that needed a school. It used to be all white, then it became mostly black, now it is a mix of African American, Latino, first generation African and Caribbean immigrants, and other growing populations.

We’ve never been perfect. But Coolidge has always been ours and we love it just the way it is. Our loyalty will e’er be strong.

Why National Hazing Prevention Day Failed

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“You all know I’m not much for words. I hate public speaking. I panic when I think about our probate show—if we’re still having one, that is. But I want everyone in this room to know a few things.

“First, I have wanted to be a Beta since I was twelve years old. The only teacher I had in middle school who gave a damn about me was a Beta. He was young, fresh out of college and determined to save young black boys in Shaker Heights. He taught English all three years I was there, and he was so successful that they just kept looping him up with the classes.

“Because of him, I knew what to expect out of the process. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. So I stood there and I took it. I took the verbal shit with no problem. I knew it was a game and I could take it. And I took the physical shit, too. I knew that just because I took it didn’t mean I had to be that kind of brother if I crossed.

“But now I see there is no end to it. No matter what, I’m going to do the same things that were done to me. I survived, so why not, right? It’s just the way things are, right?

“I don’t think so. My teacher, Mr. Nelson, taught me better than that. I know that much of what we were going through was wrong and didn’t make any sense. We weren’t getting to know you all like we should—hell, half the things we were learning in set were neither accurate nor universal. What’s the point of learning ‘Excuses’ when every chapter does it differently? What’s the purpose behind these challenges if they are specific to Sigma chapter? It’s like I’m not even pledging Mr. Nelson’s fraternity at all.”

–Rick Brown, Epiphany

***

According to Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc. and Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc., yesterday (September 6, 2012) was the first annual National Anti-Hazing Awareness Day.  “On National Anti-Hazing Day,” the Sigmas said, “Sigma chapters, Black Greek-lettered organizations and organizations all over are encouraged to host sensitivity training workshops on campuses using the newly developed anti-hazing sensitivity training curriculum material.”

It seems as though the Sigmas have created what they consider to be cutting edge, trailblazing materials to help stop hazing.  They can be found here.   Joining their constitutionally bound brothers, the Zetas came up with Finer Women Don’t Haze.

In press releases posted on each organization’s respective websites, the day was conceived by a coalition of organizations including Sigma Frater Rev. Al Sharpton’s National Action Network.  Curiously, the National Action Network did not seem to post anything on their website or facebook page commemorating this day.

Most Black Greek Letter Organizations have been ardently opposed to brutality against their prospective members from the earliest days of their existence.   Indeed, the 1990s brought in a new era known to most as “MIP” or Membership Intake Process.  MIP among most Greeks outside of the chapter room is a four-letter word, while the word “pledge” remains a slur among the party faithful.

Books have been written about hazing among people of color: Black Haze by Ricky Jones, and of course Lazarus, Covenant, and Epiphany by yours truly.  Obviously, I suggest that you buy them all.

Anyway, I’m just going to put it on out there:  National Anti-Hazing Awareness Day was an abject failure.

I did a search of my facebook friends (as you can imagine, many are Greek), and just two Zetas posted about Anti-Hazing Awareness Day.  No Sigmas on my friends list helped make this effort viral.  No other NPHC organization participated nationally in this event, which may explain why none of my Pan-Hellenic brothers or sisters posted anything.

But that’s not why National Anti-Hazing Awareness Day failed.

It didn’t fail because the coalition’s national theme is the utterly unbrandable “LET’S NOT BEAT THE LIFE OUT OF A BEAUTIFUL LEGACY.”  Nor did it fail because of the questionable administrative support that each effort receives outside of the national elected officers who volunteered to lead the effort.  (And let’s face it, if you are on the national board of a BGLO, you better be about the business of governance, not the administration of a flimsy advocacy effort.)

No, National Anti-Hazing Awareness Day failed because it misses what needs to be the true target of any effort against hazing:

Middle school students.

Degrassi Community School: Haze-Free since 2001

Why middle school?  Because this is an age where many students first experience more ritualized bullying than what they may have experienced in elementary school.  It also may be the first time that young people begin to think of college as a very real opportunity for their futures.

I totally made that up.  But I still believe it.  I am not a social scientist, so I need for the scholars out there to really do research into this.  Or if you’ve done the research already, consider submitting your findings to “Bullying and Hazing: An Interdisciplinary Journal.” Email Hank Nuwer at hnuwer@franklincollege.edu for details.

In order for National Anti-Hazing Awareness Day to have been a success, it needs to look at changing the culture of hazing over a period of time by investing in middle school students, high school students, and the college brothers and sisters.

First, every NPHC organization needs to engage children and families as they navigate their middle school years.  Yes, I know, most BGLOs already have mentoring programs in middle schools.  Well you know what?  Do more.  And do them better.

This article at the National Education Association’s website, written by Peter Lorain, states that “Middle school students are concerned about values, right and wrong, and the behavior and unfair treatment of others. Classroom and school activities should promote this emerging social awareness and concern.”

So, Greek teachers, why not encourage your students to learn about hazing and why it is wrong?  Middle schoolers are smart.  Many will immediately make the connection between bullying and hazing and they will wonder why college students make even dumber mistakes than the bullies in middle school.  And we know that middle school students are already oversaturated with messages about bullying in the first place, so let’s step it up a notch.

NPHC organizations themselves should develop a hazing prevention lesson for the middle school level.  And I don’t mean just for the kids who opted to be in the special programs of our organizations like Guide Right, GEMS, or a beautillion.  I mean really make honest attempts to present a hazing prevention lesson to every middle schooler in your city or town.  It can be done.

By the time these students reach high school, the problem of hazing will already be in the back of their heads.  Therefore, the next thing NPHC organizations must do to stop hazing is for the graduate NPHC chapters in every city and town to present a workshop for graduating seniors and their parents about what to expect when they go to college when it comes to fraternities and sororities.  The consequences of hazing need to be reiterated to them.  Their parents – many of whom will undoubtedly be inactive fraternity and sorority members themselves – will also need a refresher on what is currently allowed and what is not.  How many stories have we heard about the dad who was insistent that his son be made “the right way” only to be horrified that being “made right” now resembles something a lot more like torture at Guantanamo Bay than the pledging scenes we know from School Daze?

Teenagers leaving home for the first time need to know that they don’t have to submit to hazing. The “old school” Greeks back home will respect them more if they refuse to be hazed.  This needs to be said and it needs to be meant.

By the time the student has reached college, NPHC organizations have invested in them from sixth grade to twelfth grade, teaching them about hazing in middle school as a social studies project, welcoming them into their various mentoring programs to teach them positive values, and giving them the facts about hazing as they leave high school.  By this time, we should be invested enough to trust that they will refuse hazing.  Attention then turns to how a chapter can learn activities which are alternatives to hazing.

But first, organizations need to know what exactly is happening on college campuses today.  They need to know precisely what people think constitutes a pledge process these days.  We cannot afford to wait until after the most brutal hazing occurs in order to study it.  We need to know the steps which led to it.  Therefore, Black Greek Letter Organizations must offer full amnesty to those members who step forward in an effort to change the hazing cultures in their chapters.

Did somebody say amnesty??!!!

Yes, I am suggesting that hazers out themselves.  And yes, I am suggesting that NPHC organizations forgive them and let it go, so long as everyone is committed to moving forward.   Our organizations are so focused on doling out the consequences of hazing that the cloak of discretion now obscures even the smallest of warning signs.

Just as bullies are often stereotyped as kids from broken homes with self-esteem issues, “hazing chapters” often seen as lazy, thuggish, ne’er-do-wells.   In all actuality, bullies are often quite smart, articulate, and charismatic – that’s how they get away with it at school all the time.  Knowing this, I’d bet good money that many chapters that have been busted for hazing have won national awards and campus awards and have more than a few members who have been leaders on campus.  Just as we don’t want hazers to “beat the life out of a beautiful legacy” we want to reform and rehabilitate these otherwise good and decent campus leaders who have gotten caught up in a culture they didn’t create and have never been given a way out from.

Yes, let the hazers have a semester when they can come to safe spaces with their chapter advisors, grad chapter presidents, task force members – whoever – so that they can put it out in the open and ask for solutions.  Most hazers know what they’re engaging in isn’t the right way, but they don’t know how to change the culture of their chapter.

We already know the consequences of hazing.   With apologies to True Blood, we all know that hazing is a one way ticket to The True Death – for your own membership and for your chapter’s charter.  We get it.  Hazing is bad.  It can cost you your letters.  In some states, it can cost you your professional license and your freedom.

This is your chapter if you keep hazing.

 

But let’s focus on the brotherhood and the sisterhood by allowing those who want to change the opportunity to do so with a helping hand.  Let’s help our own members understand that they have already been seasoned to be hazers because they survived middle school and high school bullying, but that they can break this cycle if they want to.

Let’s say farewell to these puffed up national initiatives and focus on the fortification of our own communities, starting with the youth and the re-humanization of our college brothers and sisters.  They are our legacy.  Just as we attempt to protect adults from abuse at the hands of other adults, we have to put energy into giving young people the tools they need to make the correct decisions in the first place.

Jesus, take the wheel of this Yellow Cab

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I caught a cab today to run an errand before work. The driver was Muslim and African American. I had my earbuds in, so OBVIOUSLY I looked like I wanted to have a conversation about religion.

He asks me what I’m listening to, and I said “Dancing til Dawn” by Lenny Kravitz, off the “It’s Time for a Love Revolution” album.

Then he randomly asks me if I know what “la ilaha illa l-ah” means.

So I said “Excuse me?” And he repeats it. And I said, semi-playing dumb, “That’s the shahadah, right?” (The declaration of faith in Islam.)

(Note number one: Professor Maysam al-Faruqi didn’t teach no fools.)

He asks me what my faith is, and I said “I am a Quaker.” (I say it the same way I say “Georgetown” when I am asked where I went to school.)

He asks me what that means, and I said “It means for most Quakers that the Bible is not necessarily the infallible word of God and that the personal testimony and revelation is most important. Our services consist of sitting in silence for an hour.” I also explained that most Quakers are liberal-leaning and tend to be involved in causes of social justice and equality.

Because he’s never heard of such a thing, he then goes into how “corrupt” the world is today and everyone should have a religion which addresses the corruption.

Then he starts listing the corruptions. Apparently getting a tattoo is a corruption, and that’s when I mentally checked out of the conversation.

We were almost at our destination when he starts making the ultra-conservative, right-wing statements about how if you come out in favor of religion and morals in this country, you get attacked. Then he asked me if I had heard about the Chick-fil-A incidents….

At this point I was like JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL! All I wanted to do was run my errand and listen to my husband on my mp3 player.

All in all, I was pretty taken aback because I don’t know many Muslims who proselytize in the first place, and I felt it was discourteous to engage someone in a conversation about religion in a situation they couldn’t escape from, unless I bailed out of the cab while it was rolling down 16th street, even though that would have been pretty bad-ass.

I may not be a very good Quaker, but I do believe in the fundamental part of it that insists that personal revelation is most important. I sit. I listen to God. Sometimes he talks to me. Sometimes he doesn’t. It’s good enough for me.

Why we be stealin, yo?

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So friend from undergrad and compatriot in ratchetness asked, regarding “My Country t’is of Thee” and “God Save the Queen,” “Why did we poach the song of the colonizer?”

I don’t have the answer to that.  All I know is that Americans remainded unoriginal for years and years after, and it seeped into Greek Life!

Example #1:  Why the Alpha Phi Omega toast song to the tune of “Alma Mater” which is basically the tune of a whole bunch of school songs, including Cornell:

 

 

 

But here’s something else to blow your mind.  Ever heard this song?

 

Betcha didn’t know:

 

!!!!!!

The Circle

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Bitch, you ain't in the circle

 

Let’s be clear:  I do not watch Basketball Wives.

One of my greatest failings in my life is that I have a hard time maintaining the appropriate boundaries between acquaintances and friends.  This was easier when I was much younger.  I don’t know what happened along the way, but I will try to hammer it out.

In high school, it was much easier learning who your real friends were.  You were either connected by your neighborhood or your previous schools.  For me, experiencing the trauma of a closed junior high school and being forced to start high school in 9th grade rather than 10th led to a great, small cadre of friends early on.  Later, participating in other activities helped me meet new people and gain different friends, like a summer job at the National Library of Medicine, being a cheerleader, or FBLA.  Even though every person I met along the way was not necessarily a friend, there are several who are still in my “circle.”

College changed things, but just a little.  Being black in a mostly white college helped narrow down the field, so to speak.  I was from a black city, went to a black high school, and had black friends.  I knew I would encounter others, but when it came to my circle, I knew (or thought I knew) who it would consist of.  Certainly every black person at Georgetown wasn’t my friend, and there were many non-black people I came to admire, respect, and love.  But from the outset, I knew where I would be welcomed without much explanation, as a black man.*

I later pledged Alpha Phi Omega in an effort to feel more like I was part of the overall Georgetown experience, and I did.  Suddenly, I was connected to all types of people racially, culturally, economically, and more.  I felt not only part of Georgetown, but like I could actually befriend someone of a different culture because we had things in common aside from the accident of living on the same floor in the dorm.

(For more insight into the Georgetown experience during that time period, please pick up my buddy Thomas Chatterton Williams’ Losing My Cool.  Although I was not “in” this memoir, I was present during the time period he writes about and much of it rang true for me.)

All this as a preface… I am basically saying that until I graduated college, it was pretty clear who my friends were and why.  It wasn’t until after college that things got muddled and complicated.

***

I often tell people that I didn’t learn how to curse anyone out until I became a member of Alpha Phi Alpha.

In APO, there were definitely moments when brothers hated each other and got into fights and whatnot.  Indeed, there was a moment when I did a wall-slide (literally!) and broke down into tears after a chapter meeting.  But Alpha was different.

In my chapter of APO, even though you had to earn the chapter’s vote, anyone was allowed to start the process.  There was no “competition” so to speak as much as satisfying the requirements while being liked by the chapter.  Some APO chapters are more competitive, expecting that you “make line” like an NPHC organization, and others are not competitive at all, barely requiring that you do anything.

Alpha, of course, was different.  It was far more expensive, time-consuming, and downright scarier.  You had to constantly prove that this was for you, that this was the right for you, that you could afford it, that you just plain belonged there.  Even though I pursued an alumni chapter, there was always the suspicion that I could be hazed, either the old fashioned way of straight brutality, or in sophisticated, old geezer ways of running errands, menial labor, and other servitude.  Also, needless to say, there was a lot more information to learn:  history, people, poems, projects, etc.  And whether you were in another fraternal organization or not, you sort of just know going in that becoming a member will be an intense experience.

Along the way, you meet others who also want to be down.  Some of them never considered Greek life until one day, the looked up and noticed that all of their friends were in fraternities and they were missing out.  Other people always knew they wanted to be in a fraternity but couldn’t in undergrad because of their grades, expression of sexual orientation, general lameness, or the chapter was on suspension.  And there were people like me, who always wanted to be part of something but took a long time to figure out what.

I love Alpha very much.  And I loved my chapter dearly at one time in my life.  But I believe that forcing people together who wouldn’t ordinarily be friends has done some damage to me that I’m only just now able to start repairing.  And it’s not just Alpha – it’s also APO to a different extent.

I was 23 when I became an Alpha.  My line brothers were 31, 40, and 43.  That’s an alumni chapter for you.  It’s far less likely that you will come in with people in your age group.  Rather than go into the details which would either be boring or too personal, I’ll say that I never clicked with one of my line brothers at all.  He was toxic from the start.  I was close with the other two, but ended up pulling away from them after about a year.  They were nice, generally, and meant well, usually, but for various reasons, I knew my heart wasn’t in our relationship.  It doesn’t give me pride to say I am not close with my line brothers, but I feel it’s necessary to be honest about our relationship.

Subconsciously, I’ve tried to supplant these negative fraternal experiences with my line brothers into positive experiences and new memories with “specials” or “specs” [speshes].  In one case, my spec was someone I sponsored for membership in the Boston alumni chapter.  In two other cases, they were people I took a shine to, but did not sponsor.  In all three cases, I took the young brothers under my wing, taught them everything I knew, confided in them, was hard on them, and at the end, gave them the best crossing gifts ever.  EVER.

But as time goes on, the black t-shirts fade and the paddles get dusty.  Again, rather than bore you (further) or get too personal, just as I realized I had to let go of a relationship with my line brothers, I also have to let go of one with my specials, too.  I can’t expect devotion just because I made them nice things and made fusses about each of them.  Maybe for some of them, they just don’t see our relationship being what I wanted and hoped it could be.

***

I apologize for that interlude.  It seemed sadder than I had hoped and strays far from the ratchetness of the animated gif of Evelyn Lozada up above.

My point:

Being an Alpha has complicated my perception of who is in my circle.

The “line brother” dynamic expects the individual to put the needs of the group ahead of the needs of the self.  This is counter-intuitive to human nature.  How can I expect to take care of the group if my mind, body, and spirit are not already in tip-top shape?  Further, what if I have embraced the mentality of being on-line but my brothers have not?  Having line brothers (or line sisters) is often romanticized as being a phenomenal thing, usually because the adversity and hardship of being on line is supposed to bring you together.  Maybe my line and I didn’t go through enough hardship to truly trust each other.  I can own that.  But to what end is a line brother or line sister relationship if not friendship?  Do we pick our other friends based on bad things happening to us?  Of course not.

It’s also likely that I’ve romanticized what it means to have a special.  I think I tried to codify the friendships I had with brothers when I was on-line into a more official relationship which proclaimed ownership of some sort:

  • You’re my spec.
  • I named you.
  • I chose you.
  • Look at these nice things I gave you.
  • Has anyone else done that for you?
Why do I have to be so weird about this?  Why does this relationship need a name?  Why can’t we just be friends?
***

I don’t have a lot of answers right now but I suppose there’s time to figure it out if I want to.

I know that becoming an Alpha was a choice and paying my dues every year is also a choice, regardless of the circumstances I’m faced with as an active member.  And like I said, I love Alpha and I enjoy Alpha.  And regardless of my complicated relationships with my line brothers and my specials, I still have some awesome friends in the fraternity who don’t need a title.  They number less than ten and they are worth the price of admission.

But I also have to face facts:  being a member of a fraternity forces me into relationships with people I would not ordinarily choose to be around or associated with.  If you are not a fraternity member, you really need to consider this fact before you join.  Your life can be just as enriched without membership in a fraternity if you know how to make friends with people – and know how to be a good friend in the first place.

If you love having a small circle, know that membership is the opposite of that.  Be prepared to either fake it or be known as that evil, surly frat brother that nobody likes.

I feel this will need a Part II because I didn’t even get to touch on the notion of what happens when people who don’t share your values think they’re in your circle.  And that has nothing to do with being in a fraternity.

*As a gay man, it would be two years into my Georgetown experience before I would become comfortable enough to officially be out of the closet to the black community.  Perhaps that warrants another diary entry at a later date. 

Gratitude on the occasion of my 33rd birthday

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I am grateful to the Civil War-era orphan Peter Darden, who married Julia Jordan and began the branch of my family tree which would give me my last name.  I will probably never know the first four years of his life, who his parents are, or how he came to live in a poor house at such a young age.  But I know that his resilience lives in me just as strong as his last name.

I am grateful to Southampton County, Virginia, and Northampton County, North Carolina, for being my families’ ancestral homes.  I am grateful to Southampton County, VA, in particular for also being the home of Nat Turner and his slave rebellion.  I am convinced that the spirit of this rebellion lives on in me; that the reason that I am never satisfied with the status quo and become incensed at injustice is because of the blood spilled in Southampton County.

I am grateful to my mother for wanting me in spite of being alone, for keeping me despite the stigma of single parenthood, for raising me to be who I am by any means necessary.

I am grateful to my grandparents on my mother’s side for being present in my life for as long as they lived (and still live).

I am grateful to the teachers of the District of Columbia Public Schools who believed in me and saw my talents at a young age.  They are many in number, and thankfully the ones who disappointed me were few.

I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who proudly wear the Orange and Gray.

I am grateful to Georgetown for taking a chance on me.   Georgetown changed my life forever.  There’s no better way to put it.

I am grateful to the people who slowly and subtly introduced me to Alpha Phi Omega just by living it daily:  Joe, Nathalie, Belen, and Liz.  You didn’t know it then, but you paved the way for limitless leadership opportunities for me.  When you “do” APO right, it builds a personal and professional foundation which is unparalleled.

Once upon a time, an 18 year old boy was about to begin college.  He waited at the bus stop to take him to school.  A purple Rolls Royce pulled up and some familiar and friendly faces offered to take him to fraternity row.  The boy said sure.  Along the way, the men in the Rolls told him stories of fraternity life and assured him that he’d make a fine fraternity member one day.  The boy became excited at the prospect of joining the men.  A mile from fraternity row, the men kicked the boy out of the car and tossed him his bag.  “You go the rest of the way on your own,” they said.  Discouraged, the boy walked up the road and found many houses to choose from.  He ultimately chose the house with the black Bentley parked out front.  He always kept the purple Rolls in his mind and wondered what his life would have been had he chosen that path.  But he was grateful that the men – his friends and mentors- had allowed him to find his own way.  Thank you, Omega Psi Phi, Alpha Chapter, Spring 96.

I will always be grateful to Ameriie for supporting my career before I had one.

There are people who I will never be able to say thank you to again, at least not in the flesh.  But now that they belong to the universe again, I am sure that they know it.  Thank you Jesse, Maya, Jimi, Jabriel, Tre’Nai, and so many more.

I am grateful, ever so grateful, to all of you who have supported my career as a novelist.  This is hard work that is so infrequently rewarded; frustrating work that is still stigmatized if you are self-published.  Even now I notice those friends in the writing world who interact with me less the more I grind and hustle BECAUSE I HAVE TO and nobody else will hustle for me.  So to my readers, my fans, and my stans – I thank you and I have no doubt that this will all pay off some day.

I am grateful for Neil, my constant.

I am grateful for the faces in my life who provided the visual blueprint for Adrian Collins, Savion Cortez, Nina Bradley, and Isaiah Aiken.  When I first wrote Lazarus, I knew who these faces were.  By the time I finished Epiphany, they had their own wrinkles and scars and complexions – they are new people entirely.  But I am still grateful to the blueprints.

I am grateful to my mentor, Dennis Williams, who helped me transform my anger and resentment to an artist who I am certain copied my work, into the rebirth of my career as a whole.  This is one time in my life where I truly believe the adage that the best revenge is living well.  Dennis has been the closest thing to a father figure that I will ever know.

I am grateful to all of you who can read me.  Those of you who know when I am “on” and when I am “off” and when I need propping and when I need prodding.  I don’t know how to pick friends who are intuitive, but I am grateful for you.

I am grateful to the men who taught me how to kiss, how to hug, and how to make love.  (There weren’t THAT many.  I was a quick study.)

I am grateful to the women who respect my masculinity, who have never asked me to be the Will to their Grace, who have never asked who the man is in my relationships (we both are), who understand that they will never be my “fag hag,” who respect my space to be among men, regardless of their orientation, and who, without hesitation, knew I was going to the same heaven they’d be going to.

I am grateful to the men – the straight men – who treat me as their equal regardless of my sexual orientation, who expect (and demand) that I am exactly as I am in their presence; the men who are not uncomfortable by my stories or my jokes; the men who do not look away during Noah’s Arc or the DL Chronicles; and the men who read my novels and enjoy them exactly as they are.

I am grateful to the little brothers in the struggle, those who have come after me and are brave enough to disclose their orientation to me.  I never know how much I can help them, but every time a young brother in the struggle discloses his orientation, I feel I have been given a sacred trust to protect, to shield, to guide through the rough times, and to prepare before it’s time to come out and be yourselves.  I value that so much.

I am grateful to the people I never had to come out to.  It’s quite meaningful to me that hundreds of Coolidge alumni or Tried Stone members can add me as a friend, see one of my statuses, and just roll with it.  We’ve come so far.

I am grateful for Ciroc and Absolut.  What?

I am grateful for Adobe Acrobat, InDesign, and PhotoShop.

I am grateful for a place to stay that has space for all my belongings and the means to pay for it.

I am grateful for Magianno’s and Diet Ginger Ale and Haribo Peace slices and red velvet anything.

I am grateful for pre-hoarding  tendencies.  If it’s not in your local library, ask me.

I am grateful for horror movies and Halloween pot lucks and True Blood.

I am grateful for my former students – I had no idea I would ever be a teacher of any kind and I’m glad to have had some small part in their education.

I am grateful to be a man.  It is a blessing to recognize one’s own privilege in this world and I don’t take my manhood for granted.  I may be a minority in other ways, but I recognize that my manhood gets me places that being a woman will not.  I do not abuse this privilege, but I recognize it.

I am thankful for having recognized my calling as a novelist who also happens to be a nonprofit professional.  Observe the order: it will never change.

I am grateful that I have the “eye” for photography.  I will never be a great technical photographer, but I’m happy that I spent time learning how to compose a picture.  Sometimes I forget it’s one of my talents because I don’t have the time to cultivate it like I should.

I am grateful for all of the friends who have been in my life for a reason; the friends in my life who have been there for a season; and the friends who will be there for a lifetime.  We don’t always know the reason or how long the season, and we don’t know for how long the lifetime will last.  But for all of you who I have considered a friend, I do love you, and chances are I’ve told you.

I am thankful, grateful, and humbled to have been given 33 years on this planet to do good things and to change the lives of others; to live every single moment to the fullest extent possible; to have loved with all of my heart and to have been loved; to be proud in exactly who I am, whether I knew who I was at that moment or not; to have been changed by the many people I have met; and to have written stories with resonance, that made others cry as I’ve cried writing them.  I love who I am, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.  I am Rashid from Tuckerman Street, from 2nd Street, from 16th and Meridian, from Georgetown, from Riggs Park, from Brightwood Park.  I take pictures.  I write books.  Yet, I wear jeans and t-shirts and would walk around barefoot if I could.  I am the King of Dardenland who carries Hattori Hanzo steel.  I am the heir of the legacy of Peter Darden.  I am the father figure to some, the brother of many, the son of two, and the father of those yet to come.

But above all of those things, I am grateful to be here.

Hebrews 13

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  1. Let brotherly love continue.
  2. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

(From the 13th Chapter of Hebrews, English Standard Version)

In Lazarus, which is my first novel, I discuss in detail the pledge process of the Sigma Chapter of Beta Chi Phi Fraternity, Inc.  Reactions to the fact that it is so detailed have been mixed.  Some people (who are Greek) feel that it is too detailed and I have somehow defiled the sanctity of “The Process.”  Others (who are not Greek) are simply uninterested in the minutia of a pledge process and wish I would focus on the characters more.  Then there is the majority, who get so engrossed in the details of the process that it is entirely fulfilling to them.

Certain mysteries of Greekdom remain by the end of Lazarus though, not the least of which are what sort of ritual secrets the pledges learn when they cross.

In Covenant, we learn one of those secrets: the motto.  Taken from the first verse of Hebrews 13, the secret motto is “Let brotherly love continue.”  It is spoken as part of the opening ceremonies of the chapter meeting.  It is also the backbone of the philosophy of the entire organization, which is fleshed out further in Epiphany.

To the Betas, letting brotherly love continue is their prime directive.  No matter what, the brotherhood must go on.  It is this directive that Craig follows which turns him from virulent homophobe to merely an aggressive prophyte helping Adrian prove his mettle.  We know that in reality, Craig is still a homophobe, but his belief in the motto of the fraternity allows him to at least silence his rage and begin the process of accepting Adrian as he is, where he is.

The motto is exemplified more organically by the majority of Adrian’s line brothers, who in their own way and apart from Adrian, learn to accept his sexuality in spite of what popular opinion may be.  Further, on either side of the spectrum, there are members of the line who do far less than accept Adrian and those who do far more – those who never doubted their brotherly love for Adrian for a second.

What is addressed in Epiphany is the second verse of the chapter.  Regarding hospitality, it admonishes the reader (and in this case, Betas) to show hospitality even to strangers, lest their own divinity be ignored.  A literal reading could take this passage to mean that actual angels could be ascertaining your worth by a test of your hospitality.  A more liberal reading, perhaps that of a Quaker, might suggest that if God is in all of us, then we are disrespecting God by being inhospitable to strangers.

In Epiphany, as an Amazon reviewer states, Adrian finds an element of his own strength through his interactions with other Beta chapters.  It could be argued that these brothers, who for all intents and purposes, are able to recognize the God within each other without having to know each other directly.  They gain camaraderie as well as strength; social ties as well as benefits from these relationships.  They are trained to be hospitable to one another, which further facilitates letting brotherly love continue.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve performed an exegesis – hope my Theology professors are proud!

While Beta Chi Phi is obviously a fictitious fraternity, I wanted to inject what I felt were the important parts of Greekdom into the mythology of this organization.  Brotherly love (and sisterly devotion) should always transcend the bad times, if possible, of course.  I don’t mean merely glossing over the bad times or not addressing drama as it occurs – I mean that the type of people who join an organization should be the ones who have the capacity to transcend.  Even though, as I said above, Craig might not actually be cured of his homophobia, at least he understands that there is decorum which he must adhere to now that Adrian is his brother.  I was not always afforded those same courtesies when my brotherhood learned that I was openly gay.  I was indeed accosted and literally surrounded by members of another chapter for that very reason.  And there was the hate mail I received through my previous website – a reason that I will not allow comments on my diary to this day.

But I’m not a victim, so don’t worry about all that.  There will always be those people for whom brotherly love cannot transcend their own prejudices.  I blame the prophytes.  And in the absence of prophytes, I blame the parents.

Regarding hospitality, I am troubled by those Greeks who do not perform their due diligence at accommodating fellow members of organizations.  Yes, yes, I am that same guy who frequently tells people “I joined Alpha Phi Alpha, not the NPHC.”  But I mean it for different reasons.

When I say we should accommodate our fellow Greeks, I mean that if there is a Sigma that I can consider for an internship, I will consider him.  I like interns.  They don’t have to all be Alphas.

If I see a Greek on the street – any Greek – I am going to acknowledge them, even if they are outside of my council, or even a member of a so-called “white” fraternity or sorority.

If a friend has invited me to a crossing party for their special, I am going to attend if I can or send a greeting or a card if I can’t.

Just be hospitable.  Be nice.  Do for others.  It’s not hard.

I went to a city for a work conference and met with as many friends and acquaintances as I could.  One was a member of another fraternity.  We had other things in common, but I tried my hardest to meet up with this dude and make sure he understood the opportunities for service and professional advancement that I was in town for.  Never met up with him.  Just didn’t happen.  Didn’t ever hear a good explanation, really.

And on the other hand, I met up with another person – an AKA – and even though a partnership never happened between our two jobs, the effort was made to meet up, to be hospitable, to “build” as the hip-hop community might say.  This is what being Greek is all about.  Taking a large network and using it to your benefit – not just because that’s what it’s there for, but because it also ought to be fun.

Obviously, “building” isn’t just for Greeks.  The same theory of being hospitable to “strangers” can and should be utilized across all of your large networks.  If you are a Georgetown alum, you already have commonalities with Duke and Syracuse alums.  Bitter rivalries are for basketball.  Put down the sword and get to work.  Same for Howard and Hampton.  We can do big things here.

Whether you believe in angels or not, you must certainly believe in good karma or paying it forward.  As Hebrews admonishes us to do, make these sacrifices.  Whether you believe they are sacrifices to God or to some personal gain, it can’t hurt to just be hospitable.  I think indifference is a good gateway to spite and I’m definitely trying to have less of that in 2012.

When I found out about Y-Love

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Last week, I discovered the existence of Y-Love, a newly out, gay and black and Jewish rapper.

At first I was like:

Then I saw that he was cute, and I was like:

THEN I read that he was looking for a husband, and I was like:

Then I followed him on twitter, and he followed me back!!!!!  AND I WAS LIKE:

Y-Love.  Holla at me.

He decided to die.

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I was raised in the Baptist church.  After flirting with Islam while enrolled in (my very Jesuit) college I settled on being a Quaker philosophically.  I suppose I have identified with the Religious Society of Friends since 2007, but I am one of those lames who just subscribes to the magazines without attending the meetings.  Shout out to the Friends Journal, though.

Even as I drifted away from from organized religion, I remained a fan of gospel music, particularly anything produced before 1985 or so.  Always been an old soul, so I like my gospel as old and as soulful as it possible without actually being a slave holler.

“He Decided to Die” has been one of my favorites for a while now.  This morning, knowing it was Good Friday, I listened to this hymn and was able to internalize it in a different way for the first time.

He decided to die.

He could have saved himself, but he decided to die, believing this was the way to save everybody.  He was a sacrifice for the saving of others, for you, for me, etc.

I am not a traditional Christian.  I do not understand why this works theologically.  But millions believed it before I did, so okay, whatever.  My point here is not the mystical aspects of the death of Jesus, but to be able to say “Wow, this dude was so convinced of this that he made a decision to die.”

Imagine a parent who gives their child the last parachute in a plane which is about to crash.

A brother who gives his sister the last life preserver on a sinking ship.

A cop who jumps in the line of fire to save his partner.

People, just like you and me, who make a decision that they must die so another may live.

These themes tie into a work of fiction that I have had in my head for literally a dozen years.  Can’t divulge details now… but I can literally say “Thank you, Jesus” for helping me bring it all together.

And I must say, whether you are the staunchest Christian or an atheist, I don’t think the most important message to be drawn here is necessarily one of salvation.  (And truly, if you’re not Christian, you’d be off-put by that.)  I think the message here is that someone believed he had to die and was willing to do so for the sake of others.  So whether you believe or not or you’re just not sure, maybe you can relate to just that one piece.

Happy Easter to some, happy weekend to all.

I’m not your steppin’ stone

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I used to love The Monkees.

So tonight, a fellow Alpha Phi Omega brother and I were talking shop as we often do.  He is also a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc., so we often discuss Greek life as a whole.  He’s been a Kappa for longer than I have been an Alpha, but we both crossed APO within about a year of each other.  (As a brief side note, a member of his APO chapter at Florida State came to Georgetown and gave birth to our chapter, so there’s a connect there, too.)

We’ve seen a lot in APO over the years, including a sharp increase in the numbers of African Americans who pledge and are initiated.  We think this is a good thing, obviously, because we believe more people of color would enjoy our Brotherhood if they gave it a chance.  But they can’t give it a chance without the proper introduction, and it’s tough for a majority culture to expose APO to a minority culture without coming across as pandering.

With a large increase in African American membership comes an increase in the numbers of APO members who are also in Black Greek Letter Organizations (BGLOs).  There are some, like my buddy, who pledged NPHC first and then APO.  The majority, however, pledge APO first and then become members of NPHC orgs, whether as undergraduates or through alumni chapters, as I did.

This, too, is a good thing.  I believe that if someone has truly been an active member of Alpha Phi Omega and utilized all the resources it has to offer, then they come to BGLOs with a deeper sense of service to humanity than the average prospect.  They should also already know how to run a meeting, how to plan a campus program, and how to coordinate a service project.  Basically, Alpha Phi Omega membership should refine you and prime you for the next logical step after service:  social justice.

Most BGLOs don’t just do service, they actually take an active interest in the uplift of people of color beyond Band-Aid solutions.  As Jamie M. Grant says in her article “Concept of Social Justice Goes Beyond Service:”

Many of us have heard the old saying — give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Some say, well giving a fish is charity, while teaching someone to fish is service.
Social justice leaders react to this proverb differently. We wonder:
Who owns these fish?
Why don't we all have access to them?
Is eating fish sustainable?
Who is this hungry man and what does he have to say about his situation?
And finally, where are the women?

Alpha Phi Omega (sadly, if you ask me) doesn’t often ask these questions in the average course of undergraduate membership.  Those members who are ready to answer those questions as alumni most likely find another avenue, whether it’s through BGLO as I have chosen, or whether it’s through their faith communities, or some other means like donating to an organization who has social justice values.

African Americans who perform service often have an uncommon sense of devotion to social justice.  We are not far removed from Jim Crow; our grandparents not that far removed from slavery.  It makes sense that African American APO members would be interested in BGLOs, and if they weren’t before, APO is often the starting point and connector.

BUT.

Let’s be clear.

Alpha Phi Omega is not a stepping stone toward membership in a BGLO.

Typically, an Alpha Phi Omega chapter will have a service requirement to maintain membership in a collegiate chapter.  Sure, you have to pledge and get service hours (or a certain number of projects) in order to cross.  But you also usually have to pay semesterly dues and maintain ten, twenty, or even thirty hours of service in a semester to maintain active status.

You probably already know that many BGLOs require letters of recommendation as part of the application package.  Not all, but some.  And of those organizations, some require a letter verifying that you have performed community service.

This is the crux of my problem.  An Alpha Phi Omega member may feel empowered to ask their Vice President of Service or project coordinator for a letter of recommendation based on their service in the chapter.  I don’t agree with this.

I don’t believe that service you had to perform as a condition of maintaining your membership in one organization should count toward your membership in another organization, particularly one which may take time away from your APO commitments in the long run.

Can you see how that’s a conflict?  I can’t ethically turn in a paper I wrote in one class for another class and get the same credit.  (Well, maybe I could, but I shouldn’t – the professor has an expectation that the work will be original.)

It also poses a conflict when you actually ask your own brother for the recommendation.  What if the quality of your service actually isn’t all that good?  Then your brother is forced to write a bad recommendation (I have seen this happen) or tell you they won’t write you one at all.  Then it spirals out of control, causes a rift in the chapter, and then it’s freakin’ anarchy.

And let’s not talk about the number of men I’ve met in APO who send me that private message or phone call about wanting to become an Alpha.  How do I know your zeal for APO was genuine?  How do I know you really wanted to get to know me because I am your APO brother alone, and not because you wanted to know if I will sponsor you for membership?

Your pursuit in a BGLO should be discreet.  Not necessarily totally secret, but I think it opens a world of problems when you involve your APO chapter in your pursuit by expecting that they will recommend your for membership.

Keep them separate.  It will make your experience even more special.

So then, you may be asking me what a prospect should do if all their service is through APO.  How can they get a good, personal recommendation any other way?

Well, firstly, all of your service should not be through just APO.  If you want to be an Alpha, for example, and presuming we need that sort of recommendation, then I need to see you transcending the realm of service to approach a philosophy of social justice that is similar to our own.  Cleaning up garbage on the highway is not Alpha.  Cleaning up the garbage from a poor, mostly minority community, setting up a recycling program for kids, teaching their moms and dads about jobs in the green sector – now that’s Alpha.

Your service should be through organizations you’re passionate about.  Yes, you can be passionate about APO, but in that case, APO itself is the endgame.

By passion, I mean a cause you care about enough to devote your time to by yourself, if you have to.  You reach out to that organization, you schedule time to volunteer, and you do it over a period of time.  THEN you ask for a letter of recommendation.

And yes, you might discover that an APO program you already do will suffice.  If that happens, don’t ask a brother to write your recommendation.  Your service should be so profound, so meaningful and impacting, that the executive director or volunteer coordinator of that nonprofit should be glad to write your letter of recommendation.  That is far more impressive than your peer writing your letter.  And it means a potential contact for you professionally, whether you make it or not.

And won’t you be glad that your entire chapter won’t then be in your business?  Discretion will be intact.

These are just my opinions.  Most may not have that strong an opinion because it affects such a small segment of their chapter’s population.  But for me, I will always be an African American brother of APO and an Alpha, so this will probably be something I experience for the rest of my life.

I’m just saying that if you try your pursuit my way, you will maximize your total package and minimize the total drama.  Hopefully.

Alpha Phi Omega is not your steppin’ stone.  But it is there to help you serve and to begin the conversation of social justice.

If you’re searching, then good luck to you!

Edited to add: 

I forgot to mention that there are several notable members of Alpha Phi Omega who are also members of BGLOs:

  • Bill Clinton is an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma and pledged APO as an undergraduate at Georgetown
  • Melody Barnes was the Director of the Domestic Policy Council under Barack Obama.  She pledged APO and Alpha Kappa Alpha while at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
  • Former President of Howard University H. Patrick Swygert and former Secretary of the Army Togo West, Jr. are both initiates of Omega Psi Phi, Alpha Chapter and Kappa Psi Chapter, respectively.
  • Current candidate for General President of Alpha Phi Alpha Roderick Smothers pledged APO at Louisiana State.

Remembering Crushes Past with Hot Mama

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I have no children.

Ironically, there are many women in my life who have claimed me as their baby’s father.  Usually, these kids don’t really exist. As in, it’s a joke.  Sometimes there will be a kid who looks like me, so the joke is I’m their real daddy.  And other times, people just accuse me of being a closet heterosexual with kids stashed away somewhere.

One of my baby’s mamas (We’ll call her Hot Mama) came over to visit today for an alumni reunion meeting.  We looked through old yearbooks as a guide to figure out who would be likely to come to our reunion.  It was fun.  I pointed out a few guys I had crushed on and wondered where they were.  Much like the main character in Lazarus, Adrian Collins, I have had many crushes on many boys over a long period of time. It is only recently that I haven’t had a serious one.

Hot Mama asked me if I had been dating anyone.  The answer was no.  I guess you could say that I had a date earlier in the winter when I entertained a guy who was otherwise occupied in the intricacies of his own life.  It didn’t go anywhere, nor should it have.  And before then, it had been a year since I’d gone on a date.

I don’t feel single.  I generally feel fulfilled and accomplished and I don’t have a desire for children.  Yes, I get lonely and some nights it’s worse than others.  But it is not a chronic loneliness.  Recurring.  Acute.  But not chronic.

For some reason, I got out one of my Georgetown yearbooks and flipped it open to the [sport redacted] page.  I paused.  No, it wasn’t a pause.  It was a full stop.  And this wave of euphoria just came over me.  Hot Mama noticed it immediately.

“Well who the hell is that?” she asked.

“This right here…..this is the face that launched three novels.”

I’m of the opinion that most great works of fiction start with the question “What if?”

I won’t describe him here.  I won’t tell you the sport he played.  I won’t tell you anything else, really.

The events of Lazarus and Covenant and Epiphany are completely fictitious.  They really are.  But the people whose faces inspired the characters…the men whose eyebrows and noses and cheekbones…..and their walks and their smells and their smiles….. those guys are real.

Over the years, they became other people.  “Adrian” became Adrian.  He had his own story to tell and he chose me to tell it.  “Savion” became Savion, and he used me to share with you the anguish of being unlucky in love, to be misunderstood as clingy and stubborn when all he wanted was his enchanted love.  And “Isaiah” became Isaiah, passionate, loyal, humble, and flawed.  And he used me as the medium to let you know the depth and breadth of his love for Adrian.

The aesthetic inspirations for these characters have all gone on to other, better things I suppose.  From time to time, I encounter them and feel lucky to have known them then, and grateful to know them now.  I support who they are.  I celebrate who they became.  And I’m thankful for what they gave me, for as a 19 year old Sophomore at Georgetown, my “Savion” and my “Isaiah” were the seeds to my “what ifs.”  Those seeds became a play, first called “Behind Closed Door” then “Discretion” about a fraternity man and a varsity basketball player.  And then my characters said no, tell the whole story, and tell it right.  And I gave birth to Lazarus, and the characters didn’t even look like the seeds anymore.  And then came Covenant and then came Epiphany, and the next thing you know it’s over a decade later and my babies didn’t remotely look, talk, or sound like their inspirations anymore.

My “what ifs” became “what is.”  My crushes became “what was.”

My crushes launched three novels.  Imagine what my loves will launch.

An update for the facebook and twitter-less

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It’s a beautiful morning here in the nation’s capital and unfortunately I am at home, eating oatmeal and trying to nurse myself back to health after an overnight migraine and subsequent upset stomach.  But I figured it would be a good time to pay some attention to my often neglected diary.

My diary (I have rarely called it a blog) used to be the hot shit back in 2004-2007.  To this day, people ask me why I don’t write in it like I used to.  One brother of Alpha recently gave me the kindest, sweetest text message ever, telling me that he had so much respect for me before he crossed because he kept up with my life through my diary.  That respect carried over when we finally met face to face and became friends.  I honestly either never knew he was a “fan” of my diary, or I didn’t understand then the weight that it held for people.

Now, I get it.

When you’re in a fraternity like Alpha, you will encounter dozens, if not hundreds of men, old and young, who join because of the status they wrongly predict it will bring them.  Yes, being an Alpha carries weight in certain circles.  In DC, I think being a member of an NPHC fraternity or sorority means something to most people of color here, and even among some white people.

But the weight means nothing if you have expectations of it.  It’s sort of like being a Georgetown graduate.  I might say, for shits and giggles, that I went to Georgetown *hair flip* and anything else is beneath me.  But that’s just for fun.  I actually don’t expect any perks from being a Georgetown grad and I am surprised when I get them, be it a closer look in the hiring process for a job, or being able to connect with alumni from our peer institutions more quickly, like Syracuse, Duke, Stanford, and Johns Hopkins.

Being an Alpha, to me, was never about the heft of the honor.  It was about the brotherhood.  In other words:

  • Membership in Alpha is a responsibility: paying dues, showing up for meetings and programs, doing service, going to conventions.
  • Brotherhood in Alpha is a courtesy:  giving someone the benefit of the doubt, a second look, a helping hand.
  • Friendship in Alpha is another matter entirely.

On tomorrow, I will have been an Alpha for nine years.  For most of those years, I have been a member.  I do not feel badly about the years in which I was inactive.  For all of those years, I have been a brother.  And to perhaps less than twenty, or even less than ten Alphas, I have been a friend.

When you’ve been through the things I’ve been through as a member, you tend to keep the circle small.  For the long-term readers of my original site, you will recall the things that fellow members have done to me which were disrespectful and repugnant.  My friends know even more.  But somehow, I always made time to be there for an aspirant or two, as a sponsor, special, or just a friend.  And I’ve been lucky to meet more recent initiates who gravitate toward me when they see me in Alpha-only forums giving some ignorant, homophobic Alpha a good dressing down.  (A read, if you will.)  I suppose they see in me an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that they find entertaining, or maybe courageous.  I don’t know.  Maybe I will ask.

I know what Alpha says about being active.  I know what I was taught about being active.  And I understand that my presence is missed when I am not around, at least to some, sometimes.  But ultimately, for me, being an Alpha meant being somebody’s brother for the first time – to extend certain courtesies to strangers because I knew we shared the same values, and to perhaps have those courtesies be extended to me.

Over the years, I have made it my point to share news about Black fraternal organizations, positive and negative.  I’ve discussed hazing in particular an awful lot – it made its way into my novels and unfortunately has not subsided over the years.  I’m hoping that one day, Lazarus can be looked at as a relic from the past and our children can read it – with horror – and wonder why generations of black men and women subjected ourselves to the brutality.

But perhaps more importantly, I have also posted about various allegations of wrong-doing on the part of the leadership of African American fraternities and sororities.  Indeed, since the publication of Lazarus, there have been three scandals involving NPHC leaders that I’ve discussed.  I care because I have strong convictions regarding the black fraternal commitment to the public and how we earn the public’s trust.  I will not be shying away from discussing any public allegations which may befall even my own beloved APhiA.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not Mo’Kelly.  I will not be doing any investigative journalism or original reporting.  But I do believe I need to be fair as a diarist and pundit of fraternal matters.  What’s good for the sorors is good for the frat, even my own.

I will be committed to a tone which is temperate.  I will approach any matter discussed with dignity and in the interest of the public’s trust and faith in our organizations.  We are here to serve them, not each other or ourselves.  I understand the responsibility of my diary: to be authentic in my truth and honest in my opinions.  These truths and opinions were not a deterrent for those interested in Alpha and not distasteful to those who support Alpha.  It has been proven that the brotherhood needs strong dissension – which in and of itself is part of self-examination.  And I do believe the public appreciates us more when we show we’re real people with diverse ideas and strong opinions about ethics and values.

On a final note, my third novel, Epiphany, has a story line which interweaves some of the issues I’ve mentioned above.  There is a chapter advisor whom the boys are not sure has their best interests at heart.  But you’ve got to read it yourself to see in which direction the story is taken.  I think you’ll enjoy it, aside from the great main plot.

So thanks for your support over the years!  Don’t forget that my books are all available through my website, oldgoldsoul.com (which you’re probably reading this entry on), Amazon, and pretty much any bookstore on special order.  My novels are also available on Kindle readers and through Kindle apps – which means you can read my novels on your Kindle, any computer, and even your cell phone.

Have a great day…see y’all around!